The 'Ah but' Approach to Arsenal

In the light of Arsenal’s elimination from the Champions League by PSV Eindhoven, stand by for a new outbreak from the ‘Ah but’ brigade. A serious one this time, so serious it could easily turn into an epidemic. The condition is confined to people who are under the misapprehension that they understand football, yet lack both the experience and the intellectual ability to do so, but unfortunately there are a lot of them. It is characterised principally by delusion, mood swings, arrogance, inflexibility and an insistence on talking nonsense about Arsenal which borders upon obsession.

Sufferers invariably signal the onset of an attack by announcing generously, though briefly, that Arsenal play attractive football. The mood then darkens and the tone often becomes aggressive in the ‘Ah but’ phase, as the sufferer launches into a sustained fit of denigration which is often justified by unconvincing claims of genuine concern.

The extent, the order and even the exact form of this denigration may vary, but there are certain common features. Arsenal, the sufferer complains, ‘overplay’, ‘over elaborate’, ‘always try to score the perfect goal’. Arsenal have too many ‘foreign’ players and are therefore harming the prospects of the England team (something which Steve McClaren seems to be accomplishing with alarming ease all on his own). Arsenal are ‘soft’ and ‘can’t handle the physical side. Arsenal are ‘one dimensional’ and don’t have a ‘plan B’. Arsenal can’t control their players, who are undisciplined and receive too many yellow and red cards. And Arsenal are unsuccessful because they haven’t won any ‘silverware’ lately.

This kind of outburst can be extremely irritating, particularly to those who understand football and love Arsenal, and to make matters worse, there is nothing that be done to alleviate the condition. Attempts to educate the sufferer are doomed to failure, since one of the classic symptoms is a stubborn refusal to listen to reason. So it’s no use suggesting that Arsenal’s main problem is not that they ‘overplay’, but that they don’t take enough of the chances they create. No future in emphasising that there is not a conscious policy at Arsenal to exclude English players, since for Arsene Wenger it is ability and commitment that count, rather than the colour of a boy’s skin or the nature of his passport. No point in drawing attention to the variety in Arsenal’s play, or the fact that they are not easily intimidated, or their status at the bottom of the ‘Foul Play League’. And utterly futile to mention that ultimately it is the quality of the football which really counts, because then the trophies follow.

In short, there is no available strategy which works on the ‘Ah but’ brigade. No palliative. No cure. The arrogance which accompanies the condition ensures that it is, certainly as far as current knowledge is concerned, untreatable. Attacks must therefore be left to burn themselves out.