The Sour Grapes of Wrath

Grumpy George Graham is beginning to emerge as the only serious rival to Howard Wilkinson for the title of Football’s Victor Meldrew. On the eve of the North London derby, he concluded his sour-faced, jealous rant about Arsene Wenger’s side with the triumphant assertion that in his opinion the only Arsenal players who would get into the Chelsea team are Henry, Fabregas and “maybe William Gallas”.

Now that’s interesting. The man who, as manager of Arsenal produced dour, dull, regimented, robotic, relentless, unentertaining and unlovable teams that won trophies by boring the opposition into submission has declared pompously that very few of Arsene Wenger’s players would get into a Chelsea team which is – you’ve guessed it – dour, dull, regimented, robotic, relentless, unentertaining and unlovable and much inclined to win trophies by boring the opposition into submission. Hardly surprising, is it?

And as far as his ‘selected’ few Arsenal players is concerned, he’s largely wrong about those. First because neither Thierry Henry nor Cesc Fabgregas would want to go to Chelsea. Second because William Gallas (George’s “maybe”) couldn’t wait to get away from Chelsea. Third because Henry would not suit Chelsea’s style – or rather lack of it. And fourth because Mourinho wouldn’t sign a little genius like Fabregas as he prefers his midfield players to be infinitely more muscular and aggressive, like Essien and Ballack.

Much more to the point, it’s the wrong question. What George Graham should have been asking, if only he could put his bitterness aside for a moment, is which Chelsea players would make it into the Arsenal side. In other words, which Chelsea players would fit into a team of entertainers characterised by vision, panache, flair, pace, spontaneity, subtlety, sophistication, originality, invention and excitement. Now those qualities are as alien to Chelsea as they are to George Graham, but the question is worth considering.

In the absence of Petr Cech, would Arsene prefer Cudicini to Jens Lehmann? Would he swap Emmanuel Eboue for either Geremi or Ferreira (or anyone else the Special One has tried in his problem position of right back)? Would he rather have Carvalho and Terry to choose from than Kolo Toure and William Gallas (especially as Mourinho wishes Gallas had never moved)? Does he have back-up central defenders of the calibre of Senderos and Djourou? Would he take ‘Cashley’ Cole back now Clichy is fit, and with Traore showing such promise? Is Makelele better than Gilberto? Would shuffling one-paced Frank Lampard, master of the sideways and backwards pass, be preferable to Cesc Fabregas? Would Robben or Joe Cole do better than Hleb, Ljungberg or Rosicky? And would Shevchenko be a more attractive and effective striking option than Thierry Henry or Robin Van Persie?

No. The only Chelsea players who might interest Arsene Wenger are Essien, Drogba, Petr Cech (if fit) and a little fellow called Shaun Wright-Phillips, who can’t seem to get a game.

Now for an even more important question. Would George Graham get into the Arsenal manager’s office these days? At 62, bitter, unemployed (apart from a spot of punditry) and apparently unemployable as a manager, you must be joking. Because these days, Arsenal is about entertainment, and they won’t stand for anything less. With or without trophies.