Mour and Peace

Thanks to those nice chaps in the media, almost everyone is aware that there’s been a bit of an atmosphere recently between the managers of Chelsea and Arsenal. In fact the whole ‘unpleasantness’, as P G Wodehouse would have called it, has got to such a pitch that even the FA has been aroused and is reportedly flexing its muscle. Which invites speculation that in due course Mr Mourinho may receive a mild rebuke for calling his rival a ‘voyeur’, while Mr Wenger will probably be charged with, with... With talking about Chelsea in response to a journalist’s question – that’s what!

To make matters worse, Arsene is evidently determined to be difficult. By drawing attention to the fact that we don’t live in a dictatorship. By reserving the right to consider taking action in the light of what he regards as an unwarranted personal attack. And, horror of horrors, by insisting upon his right to free speech – even if (heaven forfend) it includes being able to talk about Chelsea.

Fortunately, help is at hand. With characteristic magnanimity and impeccable timing, The Special One has come up with the answer, Jose’s Perfect Plan for Peace – synchronised apologies. This is how it works. Mourinho has graciously condescended to apologise for the trivial offence of calling Mr Wenger “a voyeur” (which he insists was not meant to be personal) on the strict understanding that a contrite Arsene simultaneously delivers an abject apology for the heinous crime of talking about Chelsea. After which, presumably, there will be a 21 firework salute from Stamford Bridge – followed swiftly by the formality of Jose’s nomination for yet another trophy, the Nobel Prize for Peace.

There are, however, a couple of snags here. Being Portuguese, Jose is not absolutely ‘au fait’ with the rather quaint notions we English have about the business of apologising. The idea, for instance, that it’s really about saying sorry, expressing regret for an offence in word or deed – rather than a sort of ‘contract’ which allows the miscreant to claw back at least as much ground as he reluctantly concedes.

Secondly, during the ‘exchange of veiled threats phase’ of the ‘unpleasantness’, Jose chose to counter the Arsenal manager’s suggestion that he might have the audacity to take further action by disclosing that, with typical thoroughness and not so much as the merest hint of ‘voyeurism’, he has compiled a 120 page dossier, which for convenience we might call ‘Arsene Wenger on Chelsea – The Complete Works’.

Now Jose might find this difficult to comprehend, but in England that could be regarded in some quarters as a little bit unhealthy – almost obsessive even. So perhaps in the circumstances, he should take up a new hobby. Yoga, for instance, is a very calming influence. He could collect something harmless – such as stamps or football programmes. On the other hand, he might consider a more intellectual pursuit, like poetry. ‘Peace and War’ by D H Lawrence would make a good starting point. It begins with a couple of lines which he might find instructive:

“People always make war when they say they love peace.
The loud love of peace makes one quiver more than any battle-cry.”

Alternatively, he may decide that bird watching appeals. In which case he will probably need a big telescope.